Aug 162012
 




Guyver sucks,

I’m going to talk about why it does.  Like Ranma and Akira I saw this anime at a Blockbuster video store.  Looking at the box-art, you knew that this was going to be interesting.  Popping the VHS tape in the VCR it starts with a fucking amazing theme song. I definitely loved the 90’s anime pop songs for sure.  Check out Bubblegum Crises for some killer tracks as well.   Below are some reasons why the Guyver pissed me off.

Guyver sucks because 1) Concept was great, Execution was not

I loved the concept and idea of the Guyver, a symbiotic biological weapon from the past where our Gods created humans.  The Guyver powers I loved, the idea of regeneration, the fact the Guyver can fight on auto pilot to protect himself was cool.  The way it was designed was amazing (the look), the fact it’s face is covered as well so he’s protected from gases (or other biological attacks).  The way he exhales is cool.

Those Fucking blades on his elbows and they vibrate so much it can cut through anything,  The use of Anti-Gravity instead of just flying, Hyper Sense (like Spidy Sense).

And finally the Mega-Master a weapon he would have died 20 times over if he didn’t have this.  An organic super hero is an interesting idea.  I loved it when I was 15 at the time.

 

Although the Guyver itself is fucking awesome, the plot and battles of Guyver are very poorly done.  I never was very interested in the Guyver battles.  The only one that peeked my interest was when Guyver 1 Fought Guyver 2 and they repeated the same scenes a few times. I wanted a more fantastic display of fighting.  The live action movie of Guyver 2 is the type of fighting I kind of wanted, especially the great climax of that movie where he fought a Guyver Zoanoid.  I rarely see Guyver 1 use his anti-gravity power to do some amazing moves.  Half the time he doesn’t know what the fuck to do.  Overall the battle style of the series isn’t what I expected (repeating animation with lots of speed lines).  I wanted a more JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure or Dragonball Z type.





The plot of the Guyver in first season is Chronos attacks Sho and he has to fight back.  Then he attacks the Japan Chronos HQ.  In Season 2 Sho is on the run and Chronos attacks and he has to fight back.  Of course I’m over generalizing, but that is the majority of the show I just described.

Guyver sucks because 2) Sho Fukamachi is a huge winey little bitch.

I’m tired of the spider-man I just want to be a normal person.  Trust me being normal can suck too.  When Sho becomes the Guyver he just fucking whines about wanting a normal life, you know instead of a logical thing call TRAINING.   This fucker doesn’t train at all with the Guyver unit, are you kidding me half the battles are him figuring out his power.  That is so fucking stupid.  When people are after you, you have to make sure your ready, you have to train and figure out what the Guyver can do.  A normal person would try to figure it out before battle.

Sho just whines and says why me, although I do understand that, you got to man up and start to kicking some ass or the character really annoys you.

I just fucking hate characters that don’t train.  Guyver wants to show an average student suddenly given super powers (a Nerds dream).  If that happen to me, you know what I would do?  I would fucking TRAIN AHHHHHHH.

 

 Guyver sucks because 3) Manga went on Hiatus and Guyver TV came out far too late.

After the OAV finished on a pretty lame ending (nothing really resolved).  At least it wasn’t on a cliff hanger.  I wanted to know more of the story.  This stupid thing was on Hiatus for a very long time.  I can’t find or recall exactly how long the Hiatus was, but it was long enough for me to lose interest (7-10 years). That fucking connection anime has to manga fucking pisses me off.  When the Guyver TV series came out, I had no interest in it.  I did read about it, I do have an idea on what happens, but from what I read Guyver TV 1-16 is a retread of the OAV series, so episode 17-26 is new content.  Even after all this time the story still isn’t finished, and probably won’t be.  Guyver isn’t as popular as Onepiece or Bleach so expect no resolution.

Guyver sucks because 4) The Conspiracy of Shit

In this anime, we live in the world where all important aspects of our lives are controlled by Chronos. Anyone with knowledge of the Guyver or Zoanoids is killed.   In the beginning of the series Sho wants to make everything about Chronos public. He goes to a news media building to tell the truth.  The reporter is shock and tries to do the story.  About 10 minutes later a bomb blows up and the reporter is killed.  In Guyver Out of Control after the horrible sniper shooting, Sho is taken to the police station and the Police Chief transforms to a Zoanoid and tries to kill Sho.  Sho uses the mega masher to kill the chief.  Both these two events are basically like terrorist attacks.  The whole fucking world would have their eyes on both these explosion and the 100’s of people would start an investigation.  A police station and news organization explosion is huge news.  You can’t cover that up.

The idea of an organization that can cover everything up is silly.  At least with Metal Gear Solid, the cover up was intelligent and part of a political process which everyone accepts.  They didn’t’ blow shit up.

Let me continue on this point, Sho idea on making the Guyver, Zoanoids and Chronos public is a good move.  I would probably want to do the same thing.   However after the news explosion he doesn’t bother doing trying to make Chronos public.  This pissed me off so much.  I can understand that the message you want to convey can get intercepted, but why doesn’t he go to a live event and wreck shit up.

Here’s my idea If I was the Guyver I would go to a sporting event like a baseball game (or some other live televised event), or hell just transform in the city and run around.   You can even pretend to be a bad guy and wreck shit up.  If you’re a wanted world criminal and everyone is after you, at least the secret would be out.  Because Sho didn’t go this way, Chronos was able to plan everything out and it did eventually conquer the Earth.   Keeping Chronos a secret was a huge mistake.

 

Guyver sucks because 5) Guyver is a pussy.

For a heavily armored, heavily armed super weapon, the Guyver is a wuss.  Regular Zoanoids can beat him up.  Are you kidding me, half the time in Guyver Sho is getting his ass kicked or losing his limbs.  The Guyver is supposed to be the creator’s ultimate weapon.  The armor of the Guyver is ridiculous; should claws and teeth from regular Zoanoids hurt him (I think their teeth and claws should break instead)?

A couple of Zoanoids can make easy work of the Guyver.  I was never fond of Enzyme Zoanoid.  He made the Guyver too weak.  A Guyver vs a Zoalord forget it, he would get his ass kicked. (Yes I know about Guyver Gigantic).

He should only get wounded, by maybe Zoalords, but if the henchmen can kicks your ass, then you’re a pussy.

Guyver sucks because 6) Miscellaneous Points

Usually I go into more detail on the plot, but the Guyver series plot pacing is really bad, so I don’t have too much to talk about it and I’m writing this from memory as well, it’s been a while since I saw Guyver. This anime had some dark moments too, when Sho was forced to killed his father Enzyme 2 and in Guyver Out of Control when a sniper killed 2 of Sho’s friends to draw him out (really dark shit).

Mizuki Segawa Sho love interest isn’t very interesting as well.  I wanted more from her.

Season 2 of the OAV cut the theme song (why cut it? It’s an OAV play the whole fucking song).

Sho friends don’t do shit.  Tetsuro doesn’t do anything, but stand in shock all the fucking time.  Here is an idea, have a fucking weapon.  Get a High Powered sniper files or some kind of tech that does damage to the Zoanoids. Maybe use that Sniper rifle and at least aim for the eyes.

Also no video game based on the Guyver, really?  This anime begs for a video game for sure.  If there is one let me know.

These are my reasons why Guyver Sucks.